As the season's change I have noticed some changes in myself. I've realized I'm getting older, and needless to say I don't like it one bit. I feel as tho I'm loosing a little bit of myself, and oddly enough finding it in unexpected places. I sometimes wish I could be past this time, I just don't want to put in the work it takes to transform into a more grown up, better understood, more significant person. I feel a tiny bit irrational at times. I'm not sure if it's all the changes going on or not, but I feel like I'm getting left behind, or maybe leaving the me I've known for so very long behind, and that's a scary thought. I'm slowly approaching 29 and I know that's not old, but damn if I don't feel old. I feel like I have somehow turned into an old lady. I take care of my children, take care of the house and the bills and take care of my husband. There's not much room left after that. I feel like it is a repetitive circle of the same things. I know that, all these things I just named are normal and what most stay at home mom's do. I'm just a bit lost.......... I'm not sure what it is I need to learn to be going through this process, maybe patience or the art of gracefully getting older and wiser......who knows? All I know is I'm not feeling it right now, and I don't wanna deal with it.
I've been going around in circles in my mind trying to figure out why I feel so disconnected and out of it, it seems like a maddening circle of the why's, what's, and how's. And what makes me the most upset about it all is that I can answer none of those questions.
I wonder if all these rapidly changing emotions I have are letting me know I'm crazy or that there is a greater reason behind it all. I guess only time will tell, but I wish I knew now, it might help me understand me better, or be able to handle it better. I always thought I was good with change, I've lived a very chaotic life to say the least, but I was always good at adjusting or so I thought. All I seem to do lately is cry and cry a lot, and for what reason I haven't the slightest clue..........I don't cry often and when I do it's either because I'm truly touched, very angry or genuinely in pain. So this type of reaction makes me angry with myself and it makes me feel weak. I sometimes entertain the thought of just crawling in a hole for a while till it all blows over, but I know that can't happen. I'm a fighter and always have been, but I somehow feel defeated before the first ringing of the bell. I've always heard the hardest opponent is always yourself, guess it's true.
It's almost like I'm on auto-pilot, while I get things lined out in my mind and emotions, and that is not a way to go through life, it tends to make a person feel rather nutty. I'm not sure what it is I seem to be in search of. Is it a more full life? Or is this just how life is supposed to go once you reach a certain age? All these unanswered questions........and no desire to wait around for the answers either..........it just puts me in a tough spot.
Sorry to seem all over the place in my writing, but it sums up how I feel. Thanks for reading and as always Love and Light!
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