Just Ramblings.........

I often wonder if life is like an ever evolving crysalis, you know like a butterfly cocoon. I seem to be going through changes so fast it sometimes makes my head spin. I seem to be unable to get a grasp on how things are supposed to be and where I'm supposed to be going. I want so many things. It seems as though my wants and needs are two different things, I want things that seem somewhat irrational to me, I mean frankly, who am I to think I'm supposed to have all I desire. And desire is one of those other things, I'm not sure if it is our minds way of telling us something is missing or if we truly ever want anything and how in the hell are we supposed to know the difference?

I think I may be trying to live in the past just a smidge, but that's my deal. I don't wanna grow up right now, I've always been told don't do what I don't wanna, in regards to myself. And guess what, I don't wanna. I know that it is an irrational way to think and feel, but it's what's going on right now. I'm not sure of myself the same way I was not so long ago. It's very odd to me that even after all the growing up and maturing I've done I still feel like a scared child sometimes, and I know a lot of it has to do with my childhood and the way I was raised, but seriously I'm done being insecure and feeling like everyone else is more important. I for once wanna put me first and do what I wanna do and be the person I wanna be, and is that so much of a crime, or against the rules of play?

I'm slowly learning that not all things in life we want are good for us. Just because we want them doesn't mean they are what we need. I want a lot of things and most of them I am blissfully unaware of and that's A OK in my book right now, I have enough undecided bullshit going on to have to worry about all the shit that isn't exactly the most important things right now. I'm trying to actively cope with my emotions and how they make me feel, I'm like a very large only half working stove. Sometimes I'm hot and sometimes I'm cold. There seems to be a large in between, I may be mad, sad or just pissed. With all I have going on, sometimes it's hard to tell one emotion from the next. I know that I cry way too much, and am beginning to wonder if maybe I have some sort of hormonal imbalance going on or if I have just reached a time in my life where I am overly sensitive to things and feelings. Who knows, time will tell me I'm sure.

I've decided that writing is a good outlet for all this craziness playing ping-pong in my mind, I have to have some way to express it and get it out so that way maybe I can really analyze what's going on with me and what's real and what is a ghost from the past back to haunt me and make me feel weak and helpless. One day I hope to have myself back and be on an even playing field, but for now, I'm resigned to let it roll I guess. I mean really do I have a choice in the matter??  Nope not one choice that is better than what I'm already doing. I just really feel lost sometimes and am unsure of what I should attribute it to.........Am I, in getting older, really loosing me or just evolving into a more kick ass person than before? I'm not sure but I do hope it's the later of the 2. I hope that when all the curtains are pulled and the doors opened to let in the light that I will finally recognize myself in all of this madness.

I have so many hopes and dreams that seem to be very very unattainable at the moment, hell ever, for that matter. But in all this shit I have been dished out I haven't quit dreaming and hoping. I want to one day successfully write a book which seems far fetched to me, and hopefully it is one dream that I can realize soon. I want to change people's ways of thinking when it comes to religion and how they see other's faith's. I want to have a store and coffee shop and lots of amazing music. I just don't wanna die and not leave a piece of me behind for the world to feel and see and enjoy if that's possible. I guess I just don't wanna go before being able to make my mark and leave something from the heart behind. 

I often contemplate the meaning of life, or rather what it means to me. I've given thought to the idea of soul mates and if it is even really a real thing or not. I'm not sure, the jury is still out on it. I often wonder what it is I'm supposed to be learning along the way? It just seems that sometimes in life people have an inability to be happy because they have witnessed so much unrest and unhappiness in their own lives. I often wonder if that in and of itself is my issue? Or if I am really happy and am just holding myself back from realizing it.......who ever really knows? 

Is it ever really rational or acceptable to wish for things that we know we can't have, or is it just another form of keeping our dreams alive? 

I feel like stagnant water, it's like I only do the same things over and over, it seems to be a mind numbing, never ending cycle. I feel like I am sitting here just wasting space, for all the potential I have, I need to be doing something, not sure what but I need to immerse myself in something that makes me happy and brings out the creativity in me. I have to learn to deal with my emotions and quit letting them bottle up and run over.  

It feels as tho there is a gaping hole in the middle of me, like I have misplaced or lost or just haven't yet found that one piece of me, and I'm just now really figuring out that I have to have that piece too. 

As of late..................

As the season's change I have noticed some changes in myself. I've realized I'm getting older, and needless to say I don't like it one bit. I feel as tho I'm loosing a little bit of myself, and oddly enough finding it in unexpected places. I sometimes wish I could be past this time, I just don't want to put in the work it takes to transform into a more grown up, better understood, more significant person. I feel a tiny bit irrational at times. I'm not sure if it's all the changes going on or not, but I feel like I'm getting left behind, or maybe leaving the me I've known for so very long behind, and that's a scary thought. I'm slowly approaching 29 and I know that's not old, but damn if I don't feel old. I feel like I have somehow turned into an old lady. I take care of my children, take care of the house and the bills and take care of my husband. There's not much room left after that. I feel like it is a repetitive circle of the same things. I know that, all these things I just named are normal and what most stay at home mom's do. I'm just a bit lost.......... I'm not sure what it is I need to learn to be going through this process, maybe patience or the art of gracefully getting older and wiser......who knows? All I know is I'm not feeling it right now, and I don't wanna deal with it. 

I've been going around in circles in my mind trying to figure out why I feel so disconnected and out of it, it seems like a maddening circle of the why's, what's, and how's. And what makes me the most upset about it all is that I can answer none of those questions. 

I wonder if all these rapidly changing emotions I have are letting me know I'm crazy or that there is a greater reason behind it all. I guess only time will tell, but I wish I knew now, it might help me understand me better, or be able to handle it better. I always thought I was good with change, I've lived a very chaotic life to say the least, but I was always good at adjusting or so I thought. All I seem to do lately is cry and cry a lot, and for what reason I haven't the slightest clue..........I don't cry often and when I do it's either because I'm truly touched, very angry or genuinely in pain. So this type of reaction makes me angry with myself and it makes me feel weak. I sometimes entertain the thought of just crawling in a hole for a while till it all blows over, but I know that can't happen. I'm a fighter and always have been, but I somehow feel defeated before the first ringing of the bell. I've always heard the hardest opponent is always yourself, guess it's true.

It's almost like I'm on auto-pilot, while I get things lined out in my mind and emotions, and that is not a way to go through life, it tends to make a person feel rather nutty. I'm not sure what it is I seem to be in search of. Is it a more full life? Or is this just how life is supposed to go once you reach a certain age?   All these unanswered questions........and no desire to wait around for the answers either..........it just puts me in a tough spot. 


Sorry to seem all over the place in my writing, but it sums up how I feel. Thanks for reading and as always Love and Light!